Monday, June 23, 2008

The Fork (as my friend Ms. Geekins would say)

I once wrote:

I’m obsessed with lists these days (my professors Dr. Huntsman and Sister Peay would be proud). It seems like everything I write about is in some form of list or another. Today will be no exception. If you’re absolutely opposed to lists, feel free to pick up this document from my secretary S. Eliason in paragraph form anytime during normal working hours.

Today I would like to write about that great city Spanish Fork. For those of you who don’t know, I went to junior high and high school in Spanish Fork so it holds a tender spot in my heart. However, you should know that the following list does not, I repeat DOES NOT, apply to my hometown Salem. They are very different (and thankfully so) So, without further ado, these are four things (in honor of my high school English teacher whose favorite number was four) you should know about Spanish Fork—

1. In order to live in Spanish Fork, you must, absolutely must, own a truck. Really. I’m not kidding. In fact, in city ordinance III, article 2, it states:

Whereas a truck is absolutely indispensable to the formation of a healthy and vigorous community life style and

Whereas if you do not own a truck you cannot go hunting,

Be it hereby resolved that no person may purchase a house within the city limits of this community without prior having purchased a truck of respectable quality and performance.*

*I should note however that the city council has made an exception. It is that if a truck can’t be afforded, a four wheeler may be substituted until sufficient funds can be secured (kind of like that whole swapping a pigeon for a dove thing in the Old Testament).

2. Life in Spanish Fork revolves around baseball/softball. Yep, if you don’t play baseball/softball, you’re not really a person, more like half a person. As I think back on my high school experience, I think there was one person who hadn’t played on a baseball/softball team growing up and he was the foreign exchange student from Russia (parenthetically, if you want to know my personal opinion as to it’s popularity, I think it’s because in baseball the players are allowed to chew tobacco, which is actually, according to the official Spanish Fork High School curriculum, one of the five major food groups).

3. If you go to Spanish Fork and say “we were,” they probably won’t understand you. It’s “we was.” Along those same lines, it’s not “we saw,” it’s “we seen.” It’s not “hunting,” it’s “hu’en.” It’s not “mountains,” it’s “mou’ens.” For example, a regular sentence in any normal elder’s quorum lesson might run as follows, “We was in the mou’ens hu’en and we seen a four point” (we’ll talk about the point system maybe at another time). So just watch out for that, and don’t try to correct them because that will probably confuse them even more (really, it will).

4. And finally, never, ever underestimate the spiritual intensity of the intellectually disinterested. But you still probably shouldn’t expect them to make it out to church during hunting season, boating season, and the Super Bowl.


Ximz said...

Most of these apply to Payson as well, but I am not sure if all can afford a truck.

Skinny said...

ximz: well, i don't know who you are, but your comment is most astute. that's why i love teaching at payson so much.

Stephen said...

skinny: you wrote parenthetically insides parentheses. don't you think that is somewhat redundant?

Stephen said...

and yes i meant to put that s at the end of insides.

SFHS '99 said...

I've added your blog to the SFHS Class of '99 blog. Hope you don't mind.

Blog-on said...

oooh. You were added to the blog without permission. That's bold.

Stephen said...

how does this sfhs '99 find everyone?

Rachel said...

My grandma in SF doesn't own a truck, but my grandpa did, so I think that makes her exempt. Yeah, who is sfhs '99? So mysterious, yet kinda creepy at the same time.

Skinny said...

stephen: (paranthetically, you're a pig).

blog on: almost as bold as me eating that green stuff, but not quite.

sfhs: and what if i do mind? you'd better watch yourself.

rach: would you please invite me to your web log?

Ryan said...

I've spent my entire life trying to get my father, (who, parenthetically, grew up in Spanish Fark) to conjugate the verb "to be" correctly. No luck yet, but we did get him to say battery instead of bat'ry. Small successes.

Tansy said...

Nice blog Andrew. I agree with your blog and have to admit that I was never on a softball/baseball team growing up in SF. Yes, I was considered only a half a person (especially in P.E.). I guess that's why I don't live there now!!!

Cali said...

You forgot about the ridin' harses around the carner fer pickin' up the worsh at the dry cleaners. ha ha (I am really not funny) but i enjoyed your post because it's so TRUE!