Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Standard Works of Movies

Today I’ve decided to compile a list of some of my favorite movies (I‘m thinking “The Standard Works of Movies” would probably be a good title). I can tell you right now that the Ry Masta is going to agree with every choice here (although I‘m not really sure he even knows what a musical is).

Of course, some of you are out there wondering what makes a good movie. Well, educated people are all into how good the acting, screenwriting, and cinematography are. However, I don’t care too much about that stuff (a little, but not too much). As long as the acting’s not too bad and the scenery doesn’t look too fake, I’m alright. What I care about is the overall story, the message, and how the writer presents that message. That’s all I care about really. Give me horrible scriptwriting and a great message over a well-made immoral movie any day.

Disclaimer: As to what type of movies I am selecting from, I should here note that my mother doesn’t let me watch “R” rated movies. Nor do I watch comedies (generally a little too crude for my innocent ears) or too many PG-13 chick flicks (again, I’ve got to take care of my innocent ears and eyes) although, as you will see, chick flicks in general are definitely not off limits.

Without further ado then, I will tell you the genres (which I came up with off the top of my head) and my favorite movie therein.

Best Sports Movie: This is a tough call. Some sports fans out there (with sand for brains, mind you) are going to mention such movies as Remember the Titans or Miracle or Coach Carter or other such nonsense. But realistically this here is a two horse race. When it comes down to it, it’s either Hoosiers or Chariots of Fire. No other sports movies even come close (well, maybe Rudy). Me, in the end, I’m going to have to go with Chariots of Fire mostly because I think the message is a little more powerful, but Hoosiers definitely comes in as a strong 2nd.

Best Movie Series (remember, I made these genres up so no complaining). Now this was a tough choice, and I mean tough. I mean honestly, so many choices. However, in the end, by a whisker the choice has to be the Harry Potter series. Of course, I know I’m going to get a lot of complaints about this, but quite frankly, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I mean the movie’s got a great message, a great story, and all those awesome British actors (think how much funnier movies would be if Hollywood would have been in England instead of California). Not only that, but eventually there are going to be eight of them. Pure heaven.

Best Action Movie: Bourne Identity. This whole series is pretty amazing so this pick is mostly just trying to ease Matt Damon’s feelings since I didn’t pick him and the Bourne Series for Best Series. Sorry Matt no hard feelings right.

Best Chick Flick: Today I asked my classes for help with this. Their answers were pathetic so I’m still deciding. I’ll get back to you when I come up with one.

Best Musical: My Fair Lady. Easy choice here. Every interaction I had with those of the female gender in high school was based off of Henry Higgins’ interactions with Eliza. It obviously didn't serve me too well, but what can you do.

Best Animated Film: Beauty and the Beast. I have three reasons for choosing this: 1) Belle is the prettiest Disney princess ever (and don‘t even try to argue because you‘ll be wrong), 2) Belle is always modestly dressed (that’s right, I’m talking to you Jasmine and Arielle), and 3) Belle falls in love with a beast, that gives ugly people like me and my brother Big Stew hope.

Best M Night Shayamalan Film: Signs. I’m pretty sure Brother Shayamalan read D&C 122:7 and then sat down and made this movie. No joke.

Best Thinking Film (by “thinking film” I mean one of those slower films that‘s usually pretty sad, but thought provoking): Shadowlands is the clear cut winner here. Dead Poets Society comes in a close second, but nothing beats my man Clive Staples (Editor’s Note: This movie is even better after you read The Last Battle by the way)

Best Feature Film For Families: Buttercream Gang. Bewitching of Ben Wagner and Split Infinity are right up there, but in the end, the Buttercream Gang definitely takes the cake. Plus the Buttercream Gang has a better soundtrack.

Best Scary Movie: Wait Until Dark. An oldie but a goodie. Course, I’m not really a scare movie fan so I haven’t seen a lot, but I have a really hard time imagining any movie could be scarier than this one.

And that’s all.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Long Live the King

Here I sit in my living room listening to a little bit of music goodness. I just returned from a movie watching with my little brother Chadwin. We saw Race to Witch Mountain which was quite enjoyable. I’d recommend it to all (except Stephen Frandsen because he doesn’t like good movies).

Anyway, I’ve got a couple of questions which I’ve been contemplating of late.

- How do people (mostly women, I believe) handle walking in high heels. I see people wearing high heels and I'm just amazed how they can keep balance when all their weight is landing on that tiny stiletto heal. Remarkable.

- Where does this abundant dislike of my favorite town in the whole wide world come from? I mean in the last month I’ve heard absolutely nothing positive about that mecca of beauty known as the Goshen. It’s time people repent of their prejudices.

- Can my singles ward get any weirder? I’m not sure, but I don’t think so. I invite all to my ward, married or single, just so they can experience the Santaquin Singles Branch. It’s an unforgettable experience . . . and strangely addicting.

- Why can’t the Cougars win an NCAA tournament game? How about next time we get an invitation we just turn it down, spare ourselves the pain, and go to the NIT instead.

- Why are people so hard on teenagers? I work with them everyday and I’ll tell you, low-riding pants aside, they’re pretty amazing people.

- That said, how in the wide world did the Ry-masta bringin da disasta possibly get an A in my class? He must have cheated off someone ‘cause I swear he just sleeps everyday in class. Some things I will never understand.

- Why can’t all of life be like elementary school? I mean, it’s not like I don’t enjoy my current status, but there’s just nothing to compare with the goodness that is elementary school (especially recess). Heaven will probably be like elementary school with plenty of Kebabs and Crème Soda.

And that’s all.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

yes, it's amazingly true . . .

Some of you will remember that my New Year’s Resolution was to go on at least one date a month this year. Well, I’m one for stinking five on my dating attempts so far (and the one that did go won’t even associate with me anymore) so the following is my attempt to assure myself that although I’m socially handicapped, slowly going bald, and ridiculously overweight, there are still worthwhile traits which I possess as far as the dating goes. This is the list of my top ten.

1 - I don’t do drugs.

2 - I’m straight.

3 - I own a sweet green minivan.

4 - I’m not completely bald yet.

5 - I don’t have leprosy.

6 - I own a house in the sweetest town in the United States of America.

7 - I don’t swear (except when I have to put up light fixtures in said house).

8 - I didn’t go to the University of Utah.

9 - I’ve never beaten up my mother (which goes hand in hand with number eight by the way).

10 - I‘ve never even tried to assassinate anyone.

Also receiving consideration (but not quite worthy of the top ten):

- I have at least ten pair of shoes

- I know how to use "who" and "whom" correctly

- I know how to read.

- My baseball team won the sportsmanship award when I was in second grade.

Okay, I feel a lot better now.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Hello, hello, hello.

- First, let me apologize that I have yet to add some pictures of my sweet house to this here report. They are forthcoming, but you must be patient. As my first handyman operation, I replaced a lite fixture. Good huh. I did not get electrocuted and the lite even works so we’re definitely making progress.

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory has a fantastic soundtrack. I have it if you’d like to borrow it or if you run into my cousin Zenock he has the whole thing memorized so he’ll just sing it to you.

- I have come to one conclusion this week: I definitely should’ve been an elementary school teacher. I connect much better with second graders than I do with eleventh graders.

- This week I bought plane tickets to London, Zurich, and Vienna. Not bad eh.

- Today I was talking to this girl and she said that she likes to meet new people. Can you believe that? Weird. I didn’t think such people actually existed. I hate meeting new people. All those awkward pauses and boring questions. How can someone actually enjoy that?

- The hardest commandment to keep in the Mormonified church: fasting. All those other commandments are easy compared to fasting. Giving away 10% of my income—no problem; no premarital sex—no big deal; no drugs or alcohol—easy; go to church every Sunday—sure; go 24 hours without eating once a month—what?! hey now, that might be going a little too far . . .

- Since I’ve purchased myself a new house, I now attend a new singles ward. I tell you, singles wards are weird places (and for your information, BYU student wards don’t really count as singles wards ‘cause there’s just not enough variety, everybody’s the same in those wards). Anyway, when a new guy like me walks in, the sundry thought processes of the different groups are as follows:
- The sisters are thinking “Hey, is he hot?” (in my case: no)
- The brothers are thinking “So is he as cool as me?” (no again)
- The bishopric is thinking “Does he play the piano?” (regrettably)
- and I’m thinking: “Please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me.”
I tell you, that’s exactly what they and I are thinking. It’s always the same every time. I think I’m going to ask the next girl I see to marry me just so I don’t have to go through this ever again.

- Since the Mormon world has their own movies and their own music, I’m thinking we should start our own video games. Serious. The first one should be on the Book of Mormon. Think about it, one level could be on Teancum, one could be on Moroni trying to get to the Hill Cumorah, one could be on Nephi trying to get to the Promised Land, one could be on the Stripling Warriors. It’s a gold mine I tell you, a gold mine (and I only ask for 10% of the profits if someone steals my idea).