Yesterday the Mrs. and I chaperoned our fourth consecutive Homecoming Dance. This was, however, the first year our chaperoning experience included the presence of Gemma Grace. Having a daughter puts high school dances into a whole different perspective.
As I was sitting there making sure some yahoo didn’t come and spike the water or poison the brownies, I came up with some rules which Gemma will follow (you notice these are not suggestions) regarding her interactions with the opposite sex.
As soon as Gemma can read (maybe before actually), I’m going to make her sign the following contract:
I, the undersigned, do hereby, upon penalty of death, promise and contract to abide by the following stipulations, requirements, and conditions until I reach the age of twenty and one years old.
I will never talk to a boy for more than 3.58 consecutive minutes. Once that time period has elapsed, I will repair to a separate location and refuse to associate with said male until the next day.
I grant my father the right, if he so chooses, to chaperone and chauffeur any event to which my presence is desired or required.
I will try, under all circumstances and situations, to avoid all baseball, football, and basketball players, as well as any male whose automobile resides in the parking lot commonly referred to as “back”.
I confer upon my father the right, at any time, to examine any phone, email, or digital messages which might be addressed to the undersigned.
I do also confer upon my father the power and privilege to banish, at any time he feels so inclined, any male from our private residence, with or without due cause.
If my presence is requested at any formal dance by a potential male suitor, I will decline, unless said male suitor has been subjected to a polygraph test and an interview with my father.
If I attend said dance, I agree to only wear a dress which fits, in all aspects, the following photographic description:
Whenever associating with any male, I will insist on keeping, at all times, a minimum distance of thirty-six inches between myself and aforementioned male. This distance may be reduced to twenty-four inches in certain socially permissible situations.
I will never, under any circumstance, grant the privilege of my company to any person who has the following (or similar) hairstyles: fauxhawk, mullet, rat tail, etc.