Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Zu Ihrer Information

To Note:

1 - I'm pretty sure that if I weren't a Mormonite, I would be an alcoholic. Really.

2 - I got a flat tire this week. Flat tires have to be one of the most disheartening occurences of all time. There you are, driving along, minding your business, then . . . bam! I hate it. I come closer to swearing during these moments than any other time (well, except soccer practice, sometimes I really want to swear 'cause I keep thinking that maybe the boys would actually listen if I were to drop the "F' bomb on them, but they probably wouldn't, so I don't, not yet at least)

3 - I love EFY music and there ain't nothing you can do about it. Sure the lyrics are generally cheesy and fairly predictable. Sure the music is incredibly simplistic and could be written by just about anybody with any musical writing ability, but I still like it so lay off.

4 - Do you think the people who lived in the city of Enoch ever got accused of being close-minded. I'll bet they got that all the time. "Dude, all you guys ever do is listen to that crazy Enoch guy. Come on over to Sodom, you've got to at check out what they've got. What, you're not going to? You're so close-minded." Yeah, I can see it.

5 - I went to an organic food store the other day in the SLC. Tremendous place (and might I mention that the hired help was extremely accomodating). I'd highly recommend at least sometime in your life going to such a place. They've got some sweet stuff there (although most of it I'm kind of scared to try).

6 - I wonder what I'd think of me, if I weren't me and I just met me at some random place. Hmmmm . . .

7 - When I create my own world there are not going to be allergies. None. No house flies either for that matter.

8 - The Cubs are going to win the World Series this year (they haven't won since 1908). Why, because my brother (a HUGE Cubs fan) will be on his mission come October and this will be the Lord's way of trying my brother's faith.

9 - I just paid $94.58 to fill up my sweet minivan with petrol. I love capitalism (it is better than fascism in any case, that is, if fascism is even an economic system which I think it might not be).

10 - I watched Gilmore Girls the other day and although I really, really, really, really disagree with some of the social commentaries put forth in said sitcom, I do believe that Kirk and Luke are two of my favorite TV characters of all time (right up there with Screetch from Saved by the Bell and Murdock from the A-Team).

Monday, June 23, 2008

The Fork (as my friend Ms. Geekins would say)

I once wrote:

I’m obsessed with lists these days (my professors Dr. Huntsman and Sister Peay would be proud). It seems like everything I write about is in some form of list or another. Today will be no exception. If you’re absolutely opposed to lists, feel free to pick up this document from my secretary S. Eliason in paragraph form anytime during normal working hours.

Today I would like to write about that great city Spanish Fork. For those of you who don’t know, I went to junior high and high school in Spanish Fork so it holds a tender spot in my heart. However, you should know that the following list does not, I repeat DOES NOT, apply to my hometown Salem. They are very different (and thankfully so) So, without further ado, these are four things (in honor of my high school English teacher whose favorite number was four) you should know about Spanish Fork—

1. In order to live in Spanish Fork, you must, absolutely must, own a truck. Really. I’m not kidding. In fact, in city ordinance III, article 2, it states:

Whereas a truck is absolutely indispensable to the formation of a healthy and vigorous community life style and

Whereas if you do not own a truck you cannot go hunting,

Be it hereby resolved that no person may purchase a house within the city limits of this community without prior having purchased a truck of respectable quality and performance.*

*I should note however that the city council has made an exception. It is that if a truck can’t be afforded, a four wheeler may be substituted until sufficient funds can be secured (kind of like that whole swapping a pigeon for a dove thing in the Old Testament).

2. Life in Spanish Fork revolves around baseball/softball. Yep, if you don’t play baseball/softball, you’re not really a person, more like half a person. As I think back on my high school experience, I think there was one person who hadn’t played on a baseball/softball team growing up and he was the foreign exchange student from Russia (parenthetically, if you want to know my personal opinion as to it’s popularity, I think it’s because in baseball the players are allowed to chew tobacco, which is actually, according to the official Spanish Fork High School curriculum, one of the five major food groups).

3. If you go to Spanish Fork and say “we were,” they probably won’t understand you. It’s “we was.” Along those same lines, it’s not “we saw,” it’s “we seen.” It’s not “hunting,” it’s “hu’en.” It’s not “mountains,” it’s “mou’ens.” For example, a regular sentence in any normal elder’s quorum lesson might run as follows, “We was in the mou’ens hu’en and we seen a four point” (we’ll talk about the point system maybe at another time). So just watch out for that, and don’t try to correct them because that will probably confuse them even more (really, it will).

4. And finally, never, ever underestimate the spiritual intensity of the intellectually disinterested. But you still probably shouldn’t expect them to make it out to church during hunting season, boating season, and the Super Bowl.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Ten Things to Know

Do you ever those days when you really just want to swear? Today is one of those days. Alas, my personal habits prohibit it for the time being, but just know it might come spewing forth at any time so consider yourself duly warned

In any case, here are ten things you’d be benefited by knowing:

1. My newest favoritest musical artist is Ed Ames. Today I walked into my house only to find my parental units lounging around rocking out to Mr. Ames. I was hooked in an instant. In fact, I can barely wait for the school year to start so that I can let my students listen and appreciate his goodness.

2. I’m an eternal pessimist. My motto: “Not only is the cup of milk half empty, but the milk’s probably sour as well.”

3. My parents are currently out of commission, which means I’m supposed to run the house around these parts. Just one problem, I don’t cook, I can’t clean, I struggle with laundry, and I have no idea how to iron (actually that’s more than one problem isn’t it). Yeah, we’re in trouble (I should mention however that I do clean bathrooms amazingly well, in fact, I have yet to meet anyone who matches my bathroom cleaning abilities, although this Croatian woman I met on my mission comes fairly close).

4. My two younger brothers (Big Stew and S. Eliason) have more social skills that I can ever hope to obtain. How’s that fair?

5. If I weren’t a Mormonite, I’m pretty sure I would be Amish (did you know their language is very similar to Swiss German? Well it is). Actually, do you think I can be a Mormonite and Amish?

6. Lately I’ve really been struggling with my belief in dinosaurs. I mean come on, do you really think that once upon a time there were giant lizards walking around the earth? And then how did they all die? And where were the humans at the time. I don’t know, I have my doubts.

hold on, my Ed Ames CD just ended, I’d better start it over . . . okay, continuing . . .

7. Although I took exactly 23 dance credits at the B.Y. over my seven year undergraduate career, I’m still quite possibly the worst dancer ever created (if you don’t believe me, I can give you endless amounts of film documentation proving my point).

8. I ran a mile today and nearly collapsed from exhaustion. Boy oh boy am I getting fat or what.

9. I love big loopy earrings. I really do. If I ever get married, my wife is going to get them as presents as least once a year . . . probably more.

10. I don’t know why, but I’m pretty sure the 4th of July is my least favorite national holiday. No idea why, that’s just the way it is (and I’m a history teacher, can you believe that).

And that’s all

Monday, June 9, 2008

The National Basketball Association Finals

I watch basketball. I like basketball. I occasionally attempt to play basketball. Basketball is cool. Thusly, like previous years, I'm currently following this year's edition of the Finals: Celtics versus Lakers. As always, I have a few comments regarding said event.

One: I do not like the Lakers. I don't especially like the Celtics. However, the Celtics general manager (meaning he manages the team generally) is Danny Ainge. He's a fellow B.Y. alum, he's a fellow Mormonite, and when he played for the B.Y. they actually won a NCAA tournament game. I'll cheer for him.

Two: I do not like Kobe Bryant as a basketball player, not even a little bit. In fact, I seldom if ever watch him play because he's so good he makes me physically sick. However, I am convinced that if he and I were to ever meet (party in Las Vegas or something), I think we would get along swimmingly. Naturally our moral standards are a little different, but I really think we would get along just fine.

Three: The other day I walked into an apartment and somebody (who I think needs to be punched in the face) said that I looked like Luke Walton. Can you believe that? I've never been more humliated (well, looking on the bright side, at least he didn't compare me to Pau Gasol).

(do you really think Luke Walton could do this?)

Four: I pick the Lakers in seven, but I'm hoping for the Celtics in six. Come on Danny, don't let me down.

Five: I've come to the conclusion that with the lady folk there's really no winning. None. (Now I realize that statement doesn't directly deal with the finals, but I'm sure there's some correlation somewhere).

The End

Monday, June 2, 2008

My Rules of Dating

As the pressure to date increases (which ironically generally tends to lower the number of dates that I actually go on) I find it necessary to list the following three rules as far as dating/non-dating is concerned. I call these the "never, ever" rules (for obvious reason). Of course, I feel that everybody should follow these rules, but each to his or her own.

I've had these rules for several years now, but I have yet to put them in writing. Now is the time.

By the way, these are in order of importance, if you were wondering.

1. If you're a male, never, ever date someone that is taller than you. If you're a female, never ever date someone who is shorter than you.

2. Never, ever, if you're passed the age of 23, date someone that is still in high school (I confess to have broken this rule when I was 24, but I've since repented and I didn't know she was in high school when I asked her so lay off).

3. Never, ever date someone that you met on your mission. Ever!

A couple more things that I would like to add.

1. As far as age limit, the rule right now is 18-30 no more than two kids, but since that could possibly change, it is not a "never, ever" rule (for example, when I'm 35 and still not married, it might be 18-40 no more than four kids, but that's yet to be decided).

2. If I were a girl, I would also have the following rule: "Never, ever date a guy who wear's his hat crooked." I'm not a girl though and I haven't quite thought of a female corollary to the crooked hat thing, but if I do, I'll be sure to add it to the list.

And that's all.