Gone on Vacation

The family decided to abandon me for two weeks and journey to the South.  I remain here guarding the home from whatever mischief might arise (which, let’s be honest, considering I live in the Goshen. could be any number of things). 

After five days, let me observify:

- I never really enjoyed being single when I was single.  It’s even worse being single when I’m married.

- Do you think my mother would be annoyed if I brought her my laundry?

- This is the longest I’ve gone without being around the Gem.  Sad.  (Don’t worry, I have tissues right here).

- I eat a lot of junk food when the Mrs. is around.  Double that when she’s gone.

- On a positive note, there is something exciting about being free to do whatever I want.  (Actually, the excitement wore off about three and half days ago, but it was nice while it lasted).

- I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do for meals for the next nine days.  I mean, I love McDonald’s and all, but three times a day for nine days is a little much.  Maybe I’ll throw an Arby’s visit in here and there.

- Another positive note: I don’t have to clean for two full weeks.  (Which is not unusual, it’s just that for these two weeks I don’t have to feel guilty about not cleaning).

- Now that I think about it, maybe my neighbors will invite me over for dinner (although hopefully that dinner isn’t laced with some sort of drugs).

- Once you have kids, life is incredibly boring without them.

- On video chat I told Holden I was sad I didn’t get to read to him at nights.  His response, “Well, that’s just the way it has to be.” (Considering his time in “timeout” goes way down when I’m not around, I think he’s more than content giving up the occasional bedtime story).

- No but really, what do I do if my mom won’t do my laundry?

- Another observation: This Mrs. thinks I don’t like to be told what to do, which is true on the surface. However, this week I’ve realized that deep down I do like to be told what to do, otherwise I just walk around the house eating candy and wondering what I should do next.

- I sure do miss them. 

The Miserables

Hello,

Me and the Mrs. (or “the Mrs. and I” depending on your educational upbringing) went and watched Les Miserables at the Hale Center Theatre in the Western Salt Lake Valley tonight.  It was a fantastic experience.  Here are some observations:

- My second favorite character in the musical is Javert.  For some reason I’ve always identified with him.  Maybe it’s because he seems so heartless most of the time.  

- Red Vines should not cost three dollars.  But the play was so good I suppose I’ll be forgiving (as long as my hard earned money went to pay for something useful like the bridge).

- One of favorite characters in all literature is the Bishop.  My goal in life is to be like him.  ”Knock there.”    

- The whole time I was watching the musical, I kept trying to figure out why I like Les Mis so much.  My answer: I don’t know.  One day I hope to figure it out.

- When I was in seventh grade, I listened to Les Mis almost every night before I went to bed (on cassette tape of course, we didn't have CD players in our house until 8^th grade).       

- If you have any cultural sense and you've never seen a play at the Hale Center Theatre (in Orem or the Western Salt Lake Valley), you’re missing out.  However, if you don’t have any cultural sense, you’re not missing out. 

- In case you’re wondering, I think this is the first time ever in watching a musical or movie that the Mrs. cried more than I did.  I was actually fairly composed.   

- Do you know that Phantom of the Opera is the longest running Broadway musical?  It is.  Les Miserables is in the fifth place. 

- I can’t choose a favorite song from the musical, so don’t ask.  Too many.

         

- We ate at JCWs after.  I wonder what JCW stands for. 

Bye. 

My Brother Chad

I have a brother.  His name is Chad.  He's 16.

For his 16 birthday the Mrs., in her wisdom, put together a little kit for him.  The kit included cologne, deodorant, gum, breath mints, and chapstick. 

Because he's sometimes allowed to use a calculator, I wrote the following manual for him (just in case he was confused by some of the items).

In case you know another 16 year old (or 42 year old) who might benefit from a little direction, here it is. 

HYGEINE KIT INSTRUCTION MANUAL

Disclaimer One: While these items/tips are especially useful when preparing for an outing with the female, they are also recommended for application on a daily basis.

Disclaimer Two: These items/tips are very useful and scientific research has proven them to be effective.  However, always remember, there’s no accounting for taste.  Sometimes a male who hasn’t put on deodorant in a year will find a date to Homecoming whereas every female you ask will have to wash her hair.  You just can’t account for taste.

ITEM ONE: DEODERANT (a.k.a. the Deodorizer)

USER INSTRUCTIONS:

-          Apply to underarms once a day (Note: While one application per day is usually sufficient, if you’re involved in any type sporting event, you may want to reapply.  Likewise, if you have a date with a really attractive date, you also might want to reapply just for safety’s sake.  Conversely, if you’d rather not impress your date, be sure to skip your deodorant application for at least two days prior to said date).

-          Is best applied to skin when garments (and undergarments) are not being worn.  However, if garments are being worn, application is still possible.  It is generally recommended though that the deodorizer still be applied to skin, not to the garments.

TIPS TO REMEMBER:

-          Although this will help in your search for a female friend, it will not solve all your problems.  A debonair personality is just as essential as the application of deodorant, if not more so.

-          If, in your everyday activities, you find it necessary to take off your shirt (For example, maybe you’re playing shirts and skins in a basketball game) and your lady friends are around (which they probably are), be very careful.  Sources tell me the female gender is not particularly attracted to males with residue white deodorant visible in the underarm. 

ITEM TWO: CHAPSTICK (a.k.a. the Smooth Kisser)

USER INSTRUCTIONS:

-          Apply to lips that are chapped, dry, pealing, dehydrated, parched, shriveled or otherwise in disrepair.

-          Do not apply too much.  Otherwise, when you get a drink in the drinking fountain after third period, you’ll be drinking more petrolatum than water.

TIPS TO REMEMBER:

-          Do not leave in the sun.

-          If you don’t have any chapstick handy and your lips feel especially chapped, in my personal experience, the best solution is to find a female (or male I suppose) who has recently applied chapstick, and just kiss her (or him) for awhile.  That way her (or his) chapstick will get on your lips and the problem is solved. 

-          Or you could just ask to borrow the one she (or he) has.

-          Contrary to popular belief amongst junior high school girls, there has been no research to prove that chapstick actually makes you a better kisser, so be sure to practice your kissing technique with your pillow before the big day.

ITEM THREE: COLOGNE (a.k.a. the Sweetness)

USER INSTRUCTIONS:

-          Spray three or four times to the neck/chest area (Note: If desired you may apply to other areas of your body i.e. feet, ankles, toes, etc.  However, most would consider application to these areas to be not particularly effective or useful).

-          It IS possible to wear too much cologne, so be careful.  If you notice people around you having trouble breathing or cringing as you approach, you’ll want to perhaps reconsider your current cologne application volume (Of course, the cringing might be for other reasons, but those are problems not addressed in this volume).

-          Do not leave cologne in your car during the summer.  It will disappear (i.e. evaporate).  When it does, so does your chance for a good night kiss at Homecoming (assuming you had a chance in the first place).    

TIPS TO REMEMBER:

-          Despite popular belief amongst high school teenage boys, cologne is NOT a substitute for the deodorizer.  Rather, these two items should be used in conjunction with one another.

-          Again, as with the deodorizer, although cologne will help in your search for a female friend, it will not solve all your problems.  A debonair personality is just as essential, if not more so.

ITEM FOUR: GUM/BREATH MINTS (a.k.a. the Breath of Heaven)

USER INSTRUCTIONS:

-          Use regularly throughout the day. 

-          Along with regular use, be sure to apply whenever talking to members of the opposite sex directly after eating Doritos, nacho cheese, salsa, anything with onions, Cheetos, seven layer dip, peppers, BBQ, or just about anything else.

-          Also the Breath of Heaven is especially helpful at the end of the day and on Fast Sunday (especially Fast Sunday). 

My Dance Teacher

Once upon a time, before I became a fairly uninspiring history coach here at the Payson, I was an even more uninspiring dancer at the B.Y. (Actually, using the word “dancer” might be a little generous, let’s just say I was in some dance classes).  Now lest you be misled at this point and create the wrong, and consequently, very disturbing mental image, I should clarify that I was not a ballroom dancer, nor was I involved in the modern dance nor ballet scene.  Nope, I was in fact a folk dancer (which still might be slightly disturbing to some, but what do you do).

Anyway, in my futile attempt to learn how to dance, I was lucky enough to take some pretty great dance classes, and also to have some pretty awesome dance instructors.  While attending the B.Y. I’m pretty sure my dance classes were one of the best parts of my university experience and the teachers of those classes were one of the major reasons why.

One of those instructors was a lady named Delynne Peay.  I had her class five different times and loved every one of those classes (except the Spanish dance class, I really, really hated that one).  Here are ten things you should know about Delynne:

1. Of all my instructors, Delynne was my favorite.  Sorry Tara, Jeannette, Ed, Vickie, and Colleen, but if I had to name one of my children after one of my folk dance instructors, her (or his) name would definitely be Delynne (I mean, it would probably be the middle name, but still).  

2. One of goals in life was to have Delynne tell me I needed to eat more salad.  She never did, but I’m thinking maybe she would now. 

3. I, and by extension my ankles, will be forever grateful that she never made me dance Tinikling. 

4. On the flip side, I am still upset that she made me dance Puerto Rican (and I’m pretty sure some of those elementary school students still carry the mental scars of having to watch me try and shimmy).

5. Not only was I in her class five times, but two of those times she specifically chose to have me in her class/performing group.  I’ll tell you, it takes a special person to choose to have the worst dancer on the planet in a performing group.  It’s one thing to have someone as uncoordinated as me confined to a classroom, it’s quite another to have to take me out in public.

6. On my Most Influential People Of All Time Who Are Not In My Family list (MIPOATWANIMF for short), she’s definitely in the top seven, maybe even top five.

7. One time, in an attempt jump start my non-existent dating life, in the middle of one of our dances at an elementary school, she held up a sign which read, “Skinny, look at the teacher in third row.  NO RING!”  Naturally I didn’t get up enough courage to even talk to that teacher after the show (she was not ugly by the way), but I was grateful for the attempt.

8. For two straight years, Delynne and I drove up to Idaho Falls (a fairly long drive I’ll have you know) to teach about 7.5 people some recreational folk dances.  I hope when I’m in my 50s, I’ll still show that kind of passion for the subject I teach.

9. Even though she had a pretty strict policy of sticking to the costume guidelines, I’m still grateful that she didn’t fire me after I danced High School Musical in lederhosen.

10. Delynne Peay passed away on January 13, 2014.  A wise person once said, “Heaven becomes closer as those we love go there.”

A Little Cynical

The other day one of my students and I were talking about very serious and complex issues (as I often do with my students, they are teenagers after all).  One of the items we were talking about was how to more easily chart and classify people (after all, isn’t that what life is about).  You see, back in my high school days, I carried a graph around with me wherever I went (I still have it by the way).  It gave certain people certain ratings and was very helpful in determining what could be expected of certain types of people. 

As we were talking, I decided that, similar to my high school days, it might be beneficial to come up with a very simple code to classify people.  After all, who really wants to take the time to describe a person in several paragraphs when one phrase or word might do the trick just as easily?

Let me explain.  Our chart is based upon how you react to people when they approach you.  For example, pretend I’m talking to the Mrs. and somebody approaches to talk to me.  How I react is oftentimes based on what type of person is approaching (sometimes my reaction is based upon how mad the Mrs. is at me in that moment, but that’s a story for another day).  Anyway, likes I was saying, when the person approaches, how I act says a lot about my perception of that person.   Do I get excited?  Do I start to look for the closest exit?  What do I do?  So, if I could describe my reaction in one phrase, I could then use that same phrase to describe the person to someone else.  Right?  I’m pretty sure it’s infallible.

Editor’s Note: Of course, if I were a better person, this list wouldn’t exist and everybody would be a Blue 

Bridge.  But I’m not, so it does.   

Anyway here is the chart.  The word in quotations marks is the descriptive word.

1. A “Shoelace”:  When this type of person approaches, you’ll tend to get really nervous.  In order to calm your nerves, you take a second to tie your shoe in order to gain your composure.  This could be a someone of the opposite gender (or same gender depending) whom you find attractive (only if you’re single of course) or maybe somebody who’s really famous.

2. A “Smile and Nod”: When this type of person approaches, you just keep your eyes glued to the floor because you’re so intimidated.  You just keep your head down and nod occasionally whenever anything is said.   Basically any adult (but especially my bosses) fits this description for me.

3. A “Blue Bridge”: There was some debate about which name to choose for this one, so I just chose both.  This is somebody who you’re just pleased as punch to talk to.  When they come, they have your full attention.  This is what one prefers to be classified as (well, this or a “Shoelace”)

4: A “Sunday School Lesson”: This person is just below a “Blue Bridge”.  What they say is interesting some of the time, but for some reason sometimes you just don’t seem to connect.  By all accounts what they’re saying is interesting, but sometimes, for some reason, it’s not.     

5. A “History Lesson”: In a conversation, this person only holds your attention in spurts.  If anything even semi-interesting passes by, your attention is usually gone.  Most of my students would classify me as a “History Lesson”.  You don’t mind them talking to you, you just hope they don’t expect you to really care.

6. A “Politician”: Right below a “History Lesson” and right above a “Cell Phone”, the whole time this person is talking, your attention is focused somewhere else; the lights on the ceiling, the book in front of you, the TV.  You’re not quite ready to take out the cell phone, but you really have no idea what the person’s last sentence was.

7. A “Cell Phone”: When this type of person approaches, you have your cell phone ready.  By the time they start talking, your texting away furiously (or at least, you’re pretending to).  Your desire is that this person gets the hint and doesn’t stay around too long, but you don’t want to make them feel bad by actually telling them this.

8. A “Neighbor”: This is the older version of the cellphone, but still a fairly useful term.  When this type of person approaches, you listen for a second or two, but at the soonest possible opportunity (without being too rude of course), you turn your attention to the person next to you.  Your hope is that if you don’t acknowledge them, eventually they’ll move on to another area in the room.

9. An “Appointment”:  This person is a step past a “Cell Phone”.  You try to be polite by saying you have an appointment, but you just can’t take the risk of them not getting the cell phone or neighbor hint, you just have to get out of there.

10.  A “Walk Away”: For this type of person, you’re not even worried anymore about being polite.  You just have to get out of there as soon as possible.      

After reading this, I’m really fairly certain these are essentially the only adjectives you’ll ever use again in describing a person.  You’re welcome.  Once people understand my classification system, it will make personal descriptions so much more simple and quick. 

That One Day

Just so you know, it was on this day thirteen years ago that I entered the Empty Sea, beginning my preparation to eventually serve an LDS mission in the Switzerland (and Germany for a little bit).  I will never forget that day.  It remains one of the most pivotal points in my life (if not the pivotal point in my life).  After eleven years of reflecting on the mission, I’ve determined there really is no adequate way of articulating the experience.  It’s an event that, for many reasons, defies description.  There is simply no way to explain what it’s like to be a full-time missionary.  

That said, an anniversary of such an event demands listification, even if that list may not be totally understandable or appreciateable by some.  Here is the list:

Some Things I learned from the Mission:

1. I learned how to talk to people, kind of.  Before the mission I couldn’t talk to people at all.  After the mission, I could talk to people in German about church stuff.  So that’s a little bit of progress.

2. Walking in church shoes for more than 30 minutes is actually quite uncomfortable.  Walking in church shoes for two years, well that’s even more uncomfortable.

3. Expect to see the hand of God in your life every day.   There are daily miracles all around if we look hard enough.   

4. The greatest food in the world is a Doener Kebab from Germany.  Serious.  Ask anyone that’s had one and I promise they’ll agree.

5. The smell of marijuana smoke gives me a headache.

6. All day is a long time to be around anyone, even the nicest companion.

7. The strongest testimony in the world doesn’t help a missionary too much, unless he/she is willing to share it.

8. I learned that if it’s been a hard day and nobody will talk to you, find an African, they’re usually pretty nice and talkative (which makes me wonder what missionaries in Africa do when they’ve had a long day and nobody will talk to them).

9. I learned that most missionaries are pretty average (and actually a surprising amount are pretty below average), but the Gospel and the Spirit are amazing.

10. Switzerland is a breathtakingly beautiful country. 

11. Italians are crazy drivers, but actually very clever (which differentiates them from most Californian drivers)

12. I learned that I wasn’t nearly as smart as I thought I was (I am now though).

13.  If you work as hard as you possibly can, God usually has a way of rewarding you.

14. There’s absolutely nothing like a good nap on Preparation Day.

15. In personality and temperament, I’m more like a Swiss person than an American person.  Somehow I was born on the wrong continent, which is a little frustrating actually.

16. I learned that if I had to live with an adult male for the rest of my life, I would probably have to be put in an insane asylum.  I really have no idea how wives can handle having husbands. 

17. I learned that two people, named Neil Hahl and John Holbrook respectively, are great, great men.

18. Generally speaking, you get out what you put in. 

19. I’m a huge fan of dependable, punctual public transportation.

20. And finally, I learned that the end of the mission isn’t really the end at all. 

A Note about the Mrs.

Ten Reasons I Don’t Hate the Mrs.

1. She does my laundry, and Holden’s laundry, and Gemma’s laundry (and her laundry as well).

2. She can give me helpful advice when the girls I coach are acting in ways that defy rational explanation (which, of course, is fairly often).

3. She once drove to Tooele (pronounced “two-will-uh” for those who are ignorant) just to watch me coach a soccer game.

4. Although she’s had several prime opportunities, she has yet to make me sleep in the garage (we do have a garage by the way, and if I had to sleep there I think I would cry).

5. She knows who Tim Duncan is and what team he plays for.

6. She keeps me updated on such important things as the Bachelorette and the latest Taylor Swift news.

7. In eight years of searching, she was the only one who could consistently put up with my complete lack of mental awareness.

8. She supports (and even encourages) my cardigan obsession.  (Side note: The other day I wore a cardigan to school and one of my students tweeted “I’m pretty sure Mr.Wright is wearing a girls sweater”.  I still haven’t recovered.  It's not a girl's and it’s not a sweater.)

9. She has survived three years in the Goshe (which, for a Salemite, is no small task).

10. She gave birth to the cutest girl on the planet (in my humble opinion).