Thursday, January 30, 2014

My Brother Chad

I have a brother.  His name is Chad.  He's 16.

For his 16 birthday the Mrs., in her wisdom, put together a little kit for him.  The kit included cologne, deodorant, gum, breath mints, and chapstick. 

Because he's sometimes allowed to use a calculator, I wrote the following manual for him (just in case he was confused by some of the items).

In case you know another 16 year old (or 42 year old) who might benefit from a little direction, here it is. 


Disclaimer One: While these items/tips are especially useful when preparing for an outing with the female, they are also recommended for application on a daily basis.

Disclaimer Two: These items/tips are very useful and scientific research has proven them to be effective.  However, always remember, there’s no accounting for taste.  Sometimes a male who hasn’t put on deodorant in a year will find a date to Homecoming whereas every female you ask will have to wash her hair.  You just can’t account for taste.

ITEM ONE: DEODERANT (a.k.a. the Deodorizer)


-          Apply to underarms once a day (Note: While one application per day is usually sufficient, if you’re involved in any type sporting event, you may want to reapply.  Likewise, if you have a date with a really attractive date, you also might want to reapply just for safety’s sake.  Conversely, if you’d rather not impress your date, be sure to skip your deodorant application for at least two days prior to said date).

-          Is best applied to skin when garments (and undergarments) are not being worn.  However, if garments are being worn, application is still possible.  It is generally recommended though that the deodorizer still be applied to skin, not to the garments.


-          Although this will help in your search for a female friend, it will not solve all your problems.  A debonair personality is just as essential as the application of deodorant, if not more so.

-          If, in your everyday activities, you find it necessary to take off your shirt (For example, maybe you’re playing shirts and skins in a basketball game) and your lady friends are around (which they probably are), be very careful.  Sources tell me the female gender is not particularly attracted to males with residue white deodorant visible in the underarm. 

ITEM TWO: CHAPSTICK (a.k.a. the Smooth Kisser)


-          Apply to lips that are chapped, dry, pealing, dehydrated, parched, shriveled or otherwise in disrepair.

-          Do not apply too much.  Otherwise, when you get a drink in the drinking fountain after third period, you’ll be drinking more petrolatum than water.


-          Do not leave in the sun.

-          If you don’t have any chapstick handy and your lips feel especially chapped, in my personal experience, the best solution is to find a female (or male I suppose) who has recently applied chapstick, and just kiss her (or him) for awhile.  That way her (or his) chapstick will get on your lips and the problem is solved. 

-          Or you could just ask to borrow the one she (or he) has.

-          Contrary to popular belief amongst junior high school girls, there has been no research to prove that chapstick actually makes you a better kisser, so be sure to practice your kissing technique with your pillow before the big day.

ITEM THREE: COLOGNE (a.k.a. the Sweetness)


-          Spray three or four times to the neck/chest area (Note: If desired you may apply to other areas of your body i.e. feet, ankles, toes, etc.  However, most would consider application to these areas to be not particularly effective or useful).

-          It IS possible to wear too much cologne, so be careful.  If you notice people around you having trouble breathing or cringing as you approach, you’ll want to perhaps reconsider your current cologne application volume (Of course, the cringing might be for other reasons, but those are problems not addressed in this volume).

-          Do not leave cologne in your car during the summer.  It will disappear (i.e. evaporate).  When it does, so does your chance for a good night kiss at Homecoming (assuming you had a chance in the first place).    


-          Despite popular belief amongst high school teenage boys, cologne is NOT a substitute for the deodorizer.  Rather, these two items should be used in conjunction with one another.

-          Again, as with the deodorizer, although cologne will help in your search for a female friend, it will not solve all your problems.  A debonair personality is just as essential, if not more so.

ITEM FOUR: GUM/BREATH MINTS (a.k.a. the Breath of Heaven)


-          Use regularly throughout the day. 

-          Along with regular use, be sure to apply whenever talking to members of the opposite sex directly after eating Doritos, nacho cheese, salsa, anything with onions, Cheetos, seven layer dip, peppers, BBQ, or just about anything else.

-          Also the Breath of Heaven is especially helpful at the end of the day and on Fast Sunday (especially Fast Sunday). 

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