Gemma's Contract

Yesterday the Mrs. and I chaperoned our fourth consecutive Homecoming Dance.  This was, however, the first year our chaperoning experience included the presence of Gemma Grace.  Having a daughter puts high school dances into a whole different perspective.

As I was sitting there making sure some yahoo didn’t come and spike the water or poison the brownies, I came up with some  rules which Gemma will follow (you notice these are not suggestions) regarding her interactions with the opposite sex.

As soon as Gemma can read (maybe before actually), I’m going to make her sign the following contract:

GEMMA'S CONTRACT

I, the undersigned, do hereby, upon penalty of death, promise and contract to abide by the following stipulations, requirements, and conditions until I reach the age of twenty and one years old.

I will never talk to a boy for more than 3.58 consecutive minutes.  Once that time period has elapsed, I will repair to a separate location and refuse to associate with said male until the next day.

I grant my father the right, if he so chooses, to chaperone and chauffeur any event to which my presence is desired or required.

I will try, under all circumstances and situations, to avoid all baseball, football, and basketball players, as well as any male whose automobile resides in the parking lot commonly referred to as “back”.

I confer upon my father the right, at any time, to examine any phone, email, or digital messages which might be addressed to the undersigned.

I do also confer upon my father the power and privilege to banish, at any time he feels so inclined, any male from our private residence, with or without due cause.

If my presence is requested at any formal dance by a potential male suitor, I will decline, unless said male suitor has been subjected to a polygraph test and an interview with my father.

If I attend said dance, I agree to only wear a dress which fits, in all aspects, the following photographic description:

Whenever associating with any male, I will insist on keeping, at all times, a minimum distance of thirty-six inches between myself and aforementioned male.  This distance may be reduced to twenty-four inches in certain socially permissible situations. 

I will never, under any circumstance, grant the privilege of my company to any person who has the following (or similar) hairstyles: fauxhawk, mullet, rat tail, etc.

______________________________________________    ___________________

             (Signature)                                                                    (Date)

Luckiosity

These are twenty reasons why I consider myself to be a pretty lucky person:

1.       I didn’t watch the BYU football game yesterday.

2.       Gemma is not a teenager.

3.       I got to spend two years in the Switzerland handing out little blue books.

4.       I’m a coach.

5.       I didn’t attend the University of Utah.

6.       The Mrs. and Holden haven’t kicked me out yet.

7.       I still have some hair.

8.       The fasting part of Fast Sunday is almost over (Easily the worst day of the month.)

9.       I get to be mentored by Jeremy Chapman and Stewart Wright.

10.   I had a Son of Baconator combo yesterday.

11.   I’m Daunis and Chad’s boy.

12.   I once watched the movies Amazing Grace and Shadowlands.  (Not at the same time of course.)

13.   I took some Hungarian dance classes at the B.Y.

14.   I have the best job in the world.

15.   I haven’t had to go camping in more than a year.

16.   I was once roommates with Stephen E. Frandsen.

17.   I don’t live in California, Arizona, or St. George.

18.   I know how to read.

19.   The Mrs. has better fashion sense than I do.

20.   Mr. Bart Peery was once my boss.

Summer Vacation

Last week, the Mrs. and I went with her family to the San Diego for a little family vacation.  Here are the highlights:

- Not getting in any wrecks. (I don’t care what anybody says, I’ll take Utah drivers over California crazies any day).

- Getting to play a little sand volleyball with the Quesenberry clan.  All my years of attending young single adult institute sure did pay off.

- Playing a little pick-up basketball with the local San Diegans.  Their language was about as intolerable as my shooting.

- Going to my second major league baseball game.  It just happened to be the night Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter.  It was awesome, definitely my favorite sporting moment of all time (passing up UCLA vs. Missouri in the 1995 NCAA tournament which I didn’t think would ever get passed up).  Course, it would have been even better if we’d stayed the whole game, but apparently some in the group were bored so we left after the seventh (I know, but what can you do.)

- Going with the Mrs. to the San Diego temple to complete some initiatories.  I realize the Lord prefers His temple filled, but it sure was nice not having to wait an hour before getting in.

- Visiting the Mormon Battalion visitor’s center.  It was pretty rad.  I couldn’t handle being a sister missionary there and talking to the wall all day, but it was still worth the price of admission.

- Convincing Gemma Grace that she doesn’t have to scream at me every time I hold her.  In fact, by the end of the trip, I think she might have even smiled at me once or twice.

- Roasting marshmallows on the beach (well, we didn’t actually roast them on the beach because that would be kind of disgusting).

- Eating real German Spaetzle at Oma and Opa’s.  It was real good.  With the exception of McDonalds, American food just doesn’t match up to European.

- Watching Rise of the Guardians in the van as the Mrs. battled rush hour LA traffic.  The movie was actually surprisingly good.  I cried.

- Going with the Terror, Leigh, and the Mrs. to eat a Doener Kebab in downtown San Diego.  It was so good (minus the cucumbers).  Just like the good ole days.  I could almost picture myself in a shirt and tie, listening to techno music, and trying to figure out how many people had ignored me that day.

- Jogging around Mission Bay.  Personally I think whoever lives in California must have rocks in their head.  But I wouldn’t mind a jog like that every morning.

And that will do for now.

Today marks the four year mark.  In remembrance, I’ve decided to listify someof the most important things I learned from him (I'm sure I missed some though so forgive me).

They are:

- Be patient

- Don’t hold grudges, even when you know you’re right.

- Don’t ever spare the horses.  After all, James really does need to gethome.

- Spend time with your kids.

- Teaching is a great profession.

- Tar is slow, but not as slow as you.

- Mother is to be honored and revered.  And don’t talk back to her ever.

- Save ten percent of what you earn.

- It’s okay to like nice things, just don’t expect to everhave any.

- Everybody has worth and deserves to be respected, even ifthey do hang out in the North parking lot.

- Christmas is coming.

- It’s fun to play/watch sports, but it’s even more fun towork on the yard.

- The scriptures are magic. 

- Nothing compares to British food and humor.

- Learn to appreciate good books and good music.

- Go on a mission, graduate from college, and get married inthe temple or else.

- All you need to stay alive is bread and milk.

- Most people have good backs.

- Greatness is in the everyday

The Rules

I like rules.  I have certain rules that govern my life.  I’ve decided to list those rules here. 

Here they are:

Editor’s Note: Some I'm better at following than others. 

Rule #1—Set expectations low.  You avoid a lot disappointment that way.

Rule #2—Try to talk to people as little as possible.  Socially handicapped people (like me) should have an allotment of approximately 3.4 sentences per day.  Don't exceed that.

Rule #3—Be nice.

Rule #4—Whenever somebody tells you a story about something that happened to them, there’s probably a little bit of truth to it, but only a little bit.

Rule #5—Most people really are good people. 

Rule #6—Always root for the underdog or, if we’re talking about a relationship, the less smooth person.  (For example, in Gilmore Girls, Marty was always my favorite).  

Rule #7—Keep the outside door shut.  If it’s open, bugs will get in.

Rule #8—Eat whatever food you like because who knows what diet specialist is right.

Rule #9—If the Mrs. ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy.  So keep the Mrs. happy.

Rule #10—Don’t swear.  When you’re mad, you can throw things and break things and punch things, just don’t swear.

Rule #11—18-30 no more than two kids.  (No longer applies, but it served me well).

Rule #12—When you are listening to an opinionated person, just smile and nod.  After all, they don’t really want to know what you think, they just want you to know what they think.

Rule #13—Don’t eat onions (and if, when referring to a particular dish that has onions someone says, “don’t worry, you can’t taste them,” don’t believe them).

Rule #14—If and whenever possible, avoid talking to people on the phone.

Rule #15—Whatever Dumbledore, Yoda, and/or DCS Foyle say is gospel truth.

Rule #16—Generally speaking, most people think they work hard and use their time wisely.  Keep this in mind when you talk to lazy people.

Rule #17—No excuses.

Rule #18—If you have no social skills and you want people to like you, give them stuff.

Rule #19—Niemand kann mich ausnutzen, solange ich geben will.

Rule #20—Don’t worry about what stupid people think or say.     

Commentation

The following necessitate comment:

-          I went to high school graduation a couple of weeks ago.  I cried.  I always cry at those things.  I’m a sucker for nostalgia.

-          I have a cell phone.

-          About 85.43 percent of the time I hold Gemma Grace, she cries.

-          My friend Stephen E. Frandsen and his wife are going to have a baby.  I cried when I found out.  How dare they corrupt the earth with their progeny.       

-          I don’t care if the government knows my personal information.  Just so long as they don’t make fun of my middle name, I’m fine.

-          I do not like the Miami Heat.  I’m not a very good Christian when I watch them play.  I get real mad. 

-          I’m reading this book called Divergent.  I don’t hate it. 

-          I also just read this book called The Mysterious Benedict Society.  I didn’t hate it either.  In fact, I might have cried at some point while reading it.

-          The Mrs. and I watched this movie (edited) called Dear John.  Not bad.  Then a week or two later we watched Safe Haven (also edited).  Not bad either (in fact, I might have been teary-eyed in both).  Then a couple weeks later we watched The Notebook.  Boring.   

 

The Prom

Last week was the Promination at my place of employ, the Payson High School. Because of this, last week I started writing about said Promification. Regretably, as I started writing, I was surprised by just how much I dislike this dance. After writing several paragraphs, the dislike was so intense, I had to step back from the computer and calm myself (I’ve been known to throw things when I get too agitated and the Mrs. appreciates a functioning computer monitor).



Anyway, after taking a week to calm myself, I return to the computer (I’m at my Mom’s now so the Mrs. doesn’t have to worry) with a clear mind.



However, after much mental deliberation, I’ve decided that I still don’t like the Prom. In fact, since I now have a daughter to think about, I hope by the time Gemma Grace is of dating age, the Prom will no longer exist. If, however, it does exist, I can see the following conversation occurring:



Me: Gemma, I know Frank asked you to Prom and I know he’s a nice boy, but I’ll give you $500 and a free trip to Disneyland if you tell him “no” and don’t go.



Gemma: But Andrew (because that’s what she’ll call me), he’s such a good guy. He goes to church every Sunday, he’s got straight As, and he’s really cute.



Me: Okay, how about $1,000 and a free trip to Switzerland.



Now because I know some of you out there do not understand this, I feel such an approach could use some justification. Thus, I’ve decided to here list the cons and the pros of Promifying. Hopefully, by the time Gemma reaches high school, I’ll have these listed in a nice PowerPoint Presentation I can give her on her 16th birthday.



Cons:



1 - When you go to these types of things, you have to talk to people (if she’s anything like me, I’ll probably be able to end my presentation with this one, but if not . . .)

2 - At these types of things it’s not socially acceptable to eat at McDonalds.

3 - On such a night, temptation increases a quite a lot. I mean, you might be tempted to give your date a hug at the door step, or even worse, hold his hand.

4 - Dresses these days are, shall we say, a little short on fabric (I mean, I was at the Prom last week, and I think I saw about three dresses I would let Gemma wear). [At this point in the presentation I might offer a compromise if she’ll consent to wear my great, great grandma’s dress]

5 - I’ve taught about 50,000 high school boys. With the exception of about 3.7 boys, how can you possibly put up with them and find them interesting for more than 34 minutes? Don’t you know Prom goes all day? (The Mrs. is convinced things don't change much even for males who have passed the teenage years).



Pros: